Posts Tagged ‘sick


still ill

Before I start complaining and whining and generally being weird – here’s one of my ATC’s that is being traded from a ‘MAMMA Bird swapsie thingy on Flickr’ – I think people liked this one – I did too :):

For MAMMA challenge this week - AVAILABLE

A whinge a day keeps the doctor … erm … here all day?

“I decree today that life
Is simply taking and not giving
England is mine and it owes me a living
Ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Am i still ill ?
Oh …

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Ask me why, and i’ll die
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll die
And if you must, go to work – tomorrow
Well, if i were you i really wouldn’t bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And i should know, because i’ve seen them
But not often …
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Oh, am i still ill ?” – The Smiths

So much of that rings true today. I am STILL ILL. Honestly – I have no idea what it is – surely flu doesn’t last longer than a week? My body is so cold yet so hot. My chest, nose and throat are full of mucus and HURT – my god it hurts. I ache like hell – I have pain everywhere. I cannot bear this. I’ve not felt this ill in YEARS. I’m going to have to go back to the doctors tomorrow – I know she says there’s nothing she can do I but I have to see her anyway – I need more asthma medication – this is why I’m so worried. I don’t want pneumonia again and my chest is really starting to hurt.


Apparently the health service were preparing for a flu pandemic. I had made an appointment for my flu jab then the boiler man screwed us around – and I had to miss it. By the time I came round to booking another appointment I already had a cold. So now I’m really suffering. Sorry – this is really whiny but I’m just upset at being sick again.

Still, it’s got me thinking about Mr Stephen Morrissey – and then Mr Stephen Fry. Two VERY British (or so it seems) men who embrace America whole-heartedly. Morrissey lives there, and Stephen Fry LOVES the USA – and I know why. When you suffer from depression, as I do, and as I’m aware both of them have, you need optimism – you need to be around people who believe that ‘anything is possible’. The US seems to have that attitude. Here, I’m constantly told ‘you can’t do that’, ‘no, don’t do that’, ‘ooooh I wouldn’t if I was you’ and so on. In the USA it seems that you CAN do anything – or at least try. Being British seems synonymous being depressed. We have this demenour that supports the underdog, that hates success, that criticises optimism. When I get excited about something, and confident and joyful – I get told I’m over-enthusiastic. Or arrogant. Or self-obsessed. I want to celebrate life, and then when I’m around people they bring real life in and I don’t want that. I want the unusual, the bizarre, the creative, the madness – and that’s not madness as in clinical madness – I want the world around me to be just mad. I can’t explain it. Others will understand.

That’s not to say that I want to be constantly on the go – god no. I’m beyond that now. I just want … creativity. I need a place to grow in all the things that I am capable of. I feel that I’m trapped in this city – which is really ironic as most people would feel more freedom in a city – but I don’t. I feel trapped by all the people, the grind, the stress. I need open spaces, I need windows that look out onto fields, and grass, and the countryside – rather than a train track. I need to be able to walk out of my house and only hear birds: not sirens, shouting, cars and noise. I want the madness of nature, I want the insanity of that which isn’t controlled.

I had a dream last night about Ipswich – the town I come from. Ipswich is in Suffolk, a VERY rural area. I’ve spent so long slagging Ipswich off that actually, I’ve been denying what I want. I want to go back to somewhere where I have the town/ city near by, where I can go and get the things I need, but where truly, I’m in the countryside. Nature is so very important to me. When I was younger my days were spent in parks, and forests and woods. I need to go back to that. And I need it VERY SOON.

EDIT – a couple of hours later (now 6:06am – watching QI – recorded last night).
Ohmygod – there’s another one – – another fast paced meander through the world of blogs – like where it flicks through blogs for people with the attention span of a tomato (just like me then). I saw it on my ‘referrer’ bit in the stats and wondered who it was referring people to me. Ahhhh … nothing stays original for long does it?

In those couple of hours I was away I made the papier mache pulp and created a cat, a few skulls, a devil, a zombie and a cute thing. It’s weird stuff to start out but actually really quite nice and tactile. You also don’t feel bad if you screw up because it basically costs NOWT which is always good. Just a little bit for the wallpaper paste you glue it together with. The thing is, I’m now leaving it drying, and it’s going to take forever. And then they might fall apart because I’ve got everything wrong. We shall see!

Waiting to dry

Waiting to dry


gordon f**king ramsey, da yoot of today and crappy day time tv

Well so far I haven’t exactly used my ‘days off’ to their full advantage – I was sick last week, and I’m sick this week.  In fact, unfortunately, I’m going to have to take ANOTHER day off because I’m still feeling REALLY rough.  A trip to the doctors is required today I think.  I feel sick, keep going hot and cold (and waking up bathed in sweat but shaking with cold), my throat hurts and I just want to sleep ALL the time (apart from now, when I woke up because I was wheezing).  BLAH.


            So, now, I have time to sit and blather J


Last night we were watching Hell’s Kitchen USA.  For some bizarre reason, the majority of programmes we watched last night were about food (Best British Dish, Masterchef Professionals 2008, Hell’s Kitchen USA and The Restaurant).  I don’t really like Gordon Ramsey, in fact, I think the guy is an obnoxious, arrogant prick who doesn’t deserve a career simply based on the fact that he can swear in peoples’ faces.


Ok, consider this.  Over the past few years, the media has continually criticised young people for their aggressive attitudes etc.  At the same time, they continue to give Gordon Ramsey television programmes, interviews and book deals.  Basically saying that it’s ok to swear (and I’m not talking the odd expletive, I’m talking about about the time), it’s ok to get into someone’s face and call them a “f**king idiot”, it’s ok to abuse and embarrass someone. What sort of message is this sending?  That all of this is fine.  That it’s fine to be abusive and rude.  That it’s fine to put someone down.  That it’s fine to embarrass and humiliate someone publicly. THEN, they wonder why young people mimic this behaviour and are shocked when they discover that this is NOT acceptable.


DON’T GET ME WRONG – I’m not a prude.  For fucks sake, I have a potty mouth; around my adult friends!  IN PRIVATE.  Not in front of young people and children.  I don’t revel in embarrassing and humiliating people (although I don’t deny that in the classroom occasionally I single people out – and I’m not saying that is right – I’m just saying that I admit I have done it).


It’s not just Gordon Ramsey though, it’s as though it’s an epidemic amongst presenters on UK television.  Simon Cowell (who seems like a pussy cat in the shadow of Mr Ramsey) is continuously portrayed as a pantomime villain, something adults can obviously see through, however a lot of young people can’t.  Consider also, Anne Robinson in The Weakest Link; the phrase actually being used by students in the classroom to humiliate young people who answer incorrectly. 


Ok, now I’m coming across as a REAL prude.  I know young people aren’t entirely stupid – and that television shouldn’t be censored just in case someone is affected by it in a negative way.  However, why the hell has Gordon Ramsey got a career?  The guy is completely VILE.  So VERY VILE.


Talking of vile, I can’t sleep as I’m typing this, so I’m flicking through the channels.  Mainly watching South Park but it’s on the break, so I flicked over to Jeremy Kyle.  This man is just horrible.  Where on earth did he get his god complex from?  Who gave him the ‘voice of reason’ job?  He’s just utterly obnoxious – and apparently they’re giving him the job of ‘tidying up’ the country’s streets.  Like ‘yobs’ (to use their type of word) will listen to him.  They think he’s a joke! As long as you say ‘yes’ to him and agree with everything he says so he gets his moment of glory in front of the cameras you could get away with doing anything.  The guy doesn’t care about society! If there weren’t any problems in society he wouldn’t have a bloody job!  So he loves the fact that society is falling apart around him, so he can get his metaphorical brush and dustpan and clean it up.


I find the majority of reality tv ‘talk shows’ oddly mesmerising.  Perhaps it’s reassuring for yourself realising that however bad your life is, nothing could be as bad as their lives.  I just don’t understand:

1) why people want to air their ‘dirty laundry’ in public

2) why people want to go and watch the airing of the dirty laundry

3) why intelligent people like me watch such bollocks


When M and I first got together, I’d never had cable/ satellite television.  He introduced me to the wonders of Jerry Springer (this was over 11 years ago!) – he even used to tape episodes for us to watch and laugh over.  For a while it didn’t occur to me that most of the guests were probably actors, however, a moment of ‘enlightenment’ revealed to me that honestly; are they for real?  If they are, I find it immensely depressing.  I flicked over yesterday and a couple of women were fighting over a man.  Everytime a bell was run, they fought.  WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THESE?  That they are controlled by the bell on a reality tv show?  How bloody depressing.


            Maury also seems to get the lion’s share of women who have NO idea who the father of their children is!  His obsession with paternity tests further compounds the message that women who sleep around are sluts; because if a child is conceived then obviously there are wider consequences.  I must admit to being fascinated by the woman who had had at least 20 men onto the show; usually around 3-5 at a time, to have a DNA test. And STILL she didn’t find out who was the father.  Honestly – can you really sleep with THAT many men in the short time period required to fall pregnant?  Which obviously makes the audience start thinking that perhaps, you are indeed, a prostitute!  Nooooooooooooo, the pariah of the good and just.  It’s just downright depressing.  It really is (again?).  But I continue to secretly turn over to watch. 


When I was off sick, (with depression – ironically) I watched Maury almost obsessively.   I think their desperate lives seemed to make mine seem quite normal and sane.  Then it started to depress me even more that I could not fathom why I WAS depressed – when these people were living such horrendous lives (in my white-middle-class-anti-depressant-fuelled-ivory-tower). 


            These types of shows rely on the working-classes and un-educated to survive.  It makes us middle-classes seem safe in our fucked up lives, believing that the way we carry out our lives is good and true and right.  As long as we’re drinking every night in All Bar One and shagging fellow office workers, and not downing 10 cans of lager and shagging our girlfriend’s mother, we’re ok.  As long as we’re snorting cocaine in night-club toilets and not sparking up a crack pipe – we’re alright – by the way – I am NOT saying that I shag work colleagues in All Bar One toilets on drink and drug-fuelled nights!


            The amount of times I’ve said to people that I’d like to hide away and live in a cave is becoming more like reality.  I am honestly beginning to not only find the world around me quite depressing and sad, but this is further compounded by how crap I am. 


            However, there are days when I ‘love the world’.  When I have faith in it and myself.  When I realise that things aren’t quite as bad as I thought, and that as long as I have my family, my friends and my health (debateable) then I’m ok.  Anything’s possible. 


            I’m determined that this recent illness (which people at work have been dropping like flies with) won’t send me into the depths of the big ‘D’ again.  That it will be a one-off.  Fingers crossed.




Flickr Photos


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