Posts Tagged ‘http://condron.us

25
Jan
09

still ill

Before I start complaining and whining and generally being weird – here’s one of my ATC’s that is being traded from a ‘MAMMA Bird swapsie thingy on Flickr’ – I think people liked this one – I did too :):

For MAMMA challenge this week - AVAILABLE

A whinge a day keeps the doctor … erm … here all day?

“I decree today that life
Is simply taking and not giving
England is mine and it owes me a living
Ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Am i still ill ?
Oh …

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Ask me why, and i’ll die
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll die
And if you must, go to work – tomorrow
Well, if i were you i really wouldn’t bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And i should know, because i’ve seen them
But not often …
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Oh, am i still ill ?” – The Smiths

So much of that rings true today. I am STILL ILL. Honestly – I have no idea what it is – surely flu doesn’t last longer than a week? My body is so cold yet so hot. My chest, nose and throat are full of mucus and HURT – my god it hurts. I ache like hell – I have pain everywhere. I cannot bear this. I’ve not felt this ill in YEARS. I’m going to have to go back to the doctors tomorrow – I know she says there’s nothing she can do I but I have to see her anyway – I need more asthma medication – this is why I’m so worried. I don’t want pneumonia again and my chest is really starting to hurt.

SO ANGRY.

Apparently the health service were preparing for a flu pandemic. I had made an appointment for my flu jab then the boiler man screwed us around – and I had to miss it. By the time I came round to booking another appointment I already had a cold. So now I’m really suffering. Sorry – this is really whiny but I’m just upset at being sick again.

Still, it’s got me thinking about Mr Stephen Morrissey – and then Mr Stephen Fry. Two VERY British (or so it seems) men who embrace America whole-heartedly. Morrissey lives there, and Stephen Fry LOVES the USA – and I know why. When you suffer from depression, as I do, and as I’m aware both of them have, you need optimism – you need to be around people who believe that ‘anything is possible’. The US seems to have that attitude. Here, I’m constantly told ‘you can’t do that’, ‘no, don’t do that’, ‘ooooh I wouldn’t if I was you’ and so on. In the USA it seems that you CAN do anything – or at least try. Being British seems synonymous being depressed. We have this demenour that supports the underdog, that hates success, that criticises optimism. When I get excited about something, and confident and joyful – I get told I’m over-enthusiastic. Or arrogant. Or self-obsessed. I want to celebrate life, and then when I’m around people they bring real life in and I don’t want that. I want the unusual, the bizarre, the creative, the madness – and that’s not madness as in clinical madness – I want the world around me to be just mad. I can’t explain it. Others will understand.

That’s not to say that I want to be constantly on the go – god no. I’m beyond that now. I just want … creativity. I need a place to grow in all the things that I am capable of. I feel that I’m trapped in this city – which is really ironic as most people would feel more freedom in a city – but I don’t. I feel trapped by all the people, the grind, the stress. I need open spaces, I need windows that look out onto fields, and grass, and the countryside – rather than a train track. I need to be able to walk out of my house and only hear birds: not sirens, shouting, cars and noise. I want the madness of nature, I want the insanity of that which isn’t controlled.

I had a dream last night about Ipswich – the town I come from. Ipswich is in Suffolk, a VERY rural area. I’ve spent so long slagging Ipswich off that actually, I’ve been denying what I want. I want to go back to somewhere where I have the town/ city near by, where I can go and get the things I need, but where truly, I’m in the countryside. Nature is so very important to me. When I was younger my days were spent in parks, and forests and woods. I need to go back to that. And I need it VERY SOON.

EDIT – a couple of hours later (now 6:06am – watching QI – recorded last night).
Ohmygod – there’s another one – http://Condron.us – another fast paced meander through the world of blogs – like http://www.alphainventions.com where it flicks through blogs for people with the attention span of a tomato (just like me then). I saw it on my ‘referrer’ bit in the stats and wondered who it was referring people to me. Ahhhh … nothing stays original for long does it?

In those couple of hours I was away I made the papier mache pulp and created a cat, a few skulls, a devil, a zombie and a cute thing. It’s weird stuff to start out but actually really quite nice and tactile. You also don’t feel bad if you screw up because it basically costs NOWT which is always good. Just a little bit for the wallpaper paste you glue it together with. The thing is, I’m now leaving it drying, and it’s going to take forever. And then they might fall apart because I’ve got everything wrong. We shall see!

Waiting to dry

Waiting to dry

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