Archive for the 'personal' Category

09
Jul
09

a night like this …

Yesterday I was feeling very, how shall we say … antsy.  Uptight, on edge, teetering on the brink.  I searched the internet for something, anything to help.  Thinking of meditation (this scene is reminiscent of the first time that Manny and Bernard meet in Black Books – “give me the little book of calm, I NEED the Little Book of Calm”) I found a free introductory course being given by the London Meditation Centre – so I went along last night.

I expected it to be in a centre of some sort – however it was in someone’s 2nd floor flat in Notting Hill.  Entering a room of people who are being introduced to meditation is always going to be a bit weird.  You look around you, you check people out, wondering why they’re there.  Are they stressed like you?  Are they searching for something deeper within themselves? Do they believe or are they sceptics?

The talk ensued with some very NLP based language, designed (as I discovered later) to relax us and coerce us.  I was suckered.  Veda Meditation seemed the thing for me (despite the fact that one minute it had been around for 5,000 years, then 10,000 – creationists beware!).  I was excited about the prospect of having my own personal mantra, which would tap into the ‘charm’ and work, apparently, like a charm on my life.  My life would be transformed I was promised, within a couple of weeks.  I wouldn’t give up being human, and having human emotions, but I would be more capable of dealing with them in a rational and calm way.

Added to that, they informed us that there was a ‘sliding scale’ based on your income, that would cover the fees.  They wanted EVERYONE to be able to participate in this wonderful transformation.

After completing a form at the end, I sat around chatting with a few other women about life in general.  Then I was asked if I wanted to go into the other room as I wanted to discuss how much it would cost me.  The other room was a bedroom and the chair I was asked to sit on was a red one.  I wondered why he was so specific! I still don’t know.  Anyway – he gave me a few numbers to calculate how much it would cost me.  I worked it out at £110.  However, he seemed perturbed by this, and stated that the normal fee for students (e.g. the unwaged) would be £250 and that I could pay it in 2 to 3 month installments.  It seemed awfully high however I thought if it was that good then I would find the money.  There had been no mention before of ‘minimum charge’.

After we had all spoken to the guy about ‘money’ I went for a drink with the other girls.  Doubts started creeping in my mind.  Something just didn’t seem right.  It still doesn’t feel right.  I’ve taken the decision based on my gut feelings.  Despite how much I want to learn this skill and use it in my day to day life, at the moment, £250 is a lot of money.  That would mean me finding a ‘spare’ (approx) £75 a month.  Something I just don’t have.

Still, I met some fantastic women, and I’m still on my journey.

So if anyone knows of a Veda meditation class that WON’T cost me £250 for 8 hours then please – let me know!

19
Feb
09

sometimes I wonder what goes on in the heads of young people

Earlier this week I did a couple of coursework clinics at school – just to get some extra money should I fail to find employment in March!  On the second day the kids just seemed to get on with their work and hardly asked for any help or advice.  So I got on with marking while they got on with their work … and unfortunately I overheard the following conversation (obviously not the exact words – but pretty close):

Boy: I can’t believe what Chris Brown did to Rihanna

Girl 1: She deserves it – I hate her

Girl 2: what do you mean she deserved it?

Girl 1: well she shouldn’t have cheated on him

Girl 2: is that what happened?

Girl 1: yeah

ME: so are you saying that a woman deserves to be assaulted if she cheats on someone?

Girl 1: yeah

ME: thanks for pushing female rights back about 100 years

Girl 1: well she’s not a real woman anyway

ME: (still incredulous at this point) what do you mean?

Girl 1: well she’s not really a woman – she’s famous

ME: WHAT?

Girl 1: famous people aren’t real

ME: WHAT???????????????????????????????????????????

and after that I just actually didn’t want to talk to her because I couldn’t get any sense out of her.

It’s worrying that young people are feeling that way about famous people – are there others who really believe that celebrities aren’t real?????  This girl isn’t low ability or anything like that – she’s actually fairly intelligent.  I was REALLY disturbed by the whole thing.

25
Jan
09

still ill

Before I start complaining and whining and generally being weird – here’s one of my ATC’s that is being traded from a ‘MAMMA Bird swapsie thingy on Flickr’ – I think people liked this one – I did too :):

For MAMMA challenge this week - AVAILABLE

A whinge a day keeps the doctor … erm … here all day?

“I decree today that life
Is simply taking and not giving
England is mine and it owes me a living
Ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Am i still ill ?
Oh …

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno…

Ask me why, and i’ll die
Oh, ask me why, and i’ll die
And if you must, go to work – tomorrow
Well, if i were you i really wouldn’t bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And i should know, because i’ve seen them
But not often …
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although i ended up with sore lips
It just wasn’t like the old days anymore
No, it wasn’t like those days
Am i still ill ?
Oh …
Oh, am i still ill ?” – The Smiths

So much of that rings true today. I am STILL ILL. Honestly – I have no idea what it is – surely flu doesn’t last longer than a week? My body is so cold yet so hot. My chest, nose and throat are full of mucus and HURT – my god it hurts. I ache like hell – I have pain everywhere. I cannot bear this. I’ve not felt this ill in YEARS. I’m going to have to go back to the doctors tomorrow – I know she says there’s nothing she can do I but I have to see her anyway – I need more asthma medication – this is why I’m so worried. I don’t want pneumonia again and my chest is really starting to hurt.

SO ANGRY.

Apparently the health service were preparing for a flu pandemic. I had made an appointment for my flu jab then the boiler man screwed us around – and I had to miss it. By the time I came round to booking another appointment I already had a cold. So now I’m really suffering. Sorry – this is really whiny but I’m just upset at being sick again.

Still, it’s got me thinking about Mr Stephen Morrissey – and then Mr Stephen Fry. Two VERY British (or so it seems) men who embrace America whole-heartedly. Morrissey lives there, and Stephen Fry LOVES the USA – and I know why. When you suffer from depression, as I do, and as I’m aware both of them have, you need optimism – you need to be around people who believe that ‘anything is possible’. The US seems to have that attitude. Here, I’m constantly told ‘you can’t do that’, ‘no, don’t do that’, ‘ooooh I wouldn’t if I was you’ and so on. In the USA it seems that you CAN do anything – or at least try. Being British seems synonymous being depressed. We have this demenour that supports the underdog, that hates success, that criticises optimism. When I get excited about something, and confident and joyful – I get told I’m over-enthusiastic. Or arrogant. Or self-obsessed. I want to celebrate life, and then when I’m around people they bring real life in and I don’t want that. I want the unusual, the bizarre, the creative, the madness – and that’s not madness as in clinical madness – I want the world around me to be just mad. I can’t explain it. Others will understand.

That’s not to say that I want to be constantly on the go – god no. I’m beyond that now. I just want … creativity. I need a place to grow in all the things that I am capable of. I feel that I’m trapped in this city – which is really ironic as most people would feel more freedom in a city – but I don’t. I feel trapped by all the people, the grind, the stress. I need open spaces, I need windows that look out onto fields, and grass, and the countryside – rather than a train track. I need to be able to walk out of my house and only hear birds: not sirens, shouting, cars and noise. I want the madness of nature, I want the insanity of that which isn’t controlled.

I had a dream last night about Ipswich – the town I come from. Ipswich is in Suffolk, a VERY rural area. I’ve spent so long slagging Ipswich off that actually, I’ve been denying what I want. I want to go back to somewhere where I have the town/ city near by, where I can go and get the things I need, but where truly, I’m in the countryside. Nature is so very important to me. When I was younger my days were spent in parks, and forests and woods. I need to go back to that. And I need it VERY SOON.

EDIT – a couple of hours later (now 6:06am – watching QI – recorded last night).
Ohmygod – there’s another one – http://Condron.us – another fast paced meander through the world of blogs – like http://www.alphainventions.com where it flicks through blogs for people with the attention span of a tomato (just like me then). I saw it on my ‘referrer’ bit in the stats and wondered who it was referring people to me. Ahhhh … nothing stays original for long does it?

In those couple of hours I was away I made the papier mache pulp and created a cat, a few skulls, a devil, a zombie and a cute thing. It’s weird stuff to start out but actually really quite nice and tactile. You also don’t feel bad if you screw up because it basically costs NOWT which is always good. Just a little bit for the wallpaper paste you glue it together with. The thing is, I’m now leaving it drying, and it’s going to take forever. And then they might fall apart because I’ve got everything wrong. We shall see!

Waiting to dry

Waiting to dry

23
Jan
09

101 things I’ve never done, but would like to do, but probably won’t get round to doing most of them … but not because of procrastination but because I probably can’t, but that’s not to say I won’t … if that makes any sense!

Following on from a previous post of mine I started thinking about the things in life I’d like to do – but haven’t done for many reasons. Now this isn’t a ‘I want to swim with dolphins’ list – I just wanted a list of wild and perhaps ridiculous things I would like to do in my life.

**btw** some of these might be rude … if you are easily offended don’t read.

101 things I’ve never done but I’d like to do before I die but probably won’t get round to doing for many different reasons …

1. train surf
2. surf full stop!
3. climb in through my friend’s bedroom window like they always seem to do in American TV shows
4. own an otter
5. have a one night stand
6. have a tower-style reading room in a huge house
7. stop my parents’ calling me by my real name
8. go back in time and see what London looked like while Dicken’s was writing about it
9. invent a time machine
10. go naked in public
11. write my series of children books
12. live in a cave
13. have dinner with Stephen Fry, David Attenborough and Oscar Wilde
14. spend a year in meditation and contemplation
15. eat meat again without an animal having to be killed
16. use a strap-on
17. do something entirely original that has NEVER been done before
18. read every book that’s ever been written
19. watch every film that’s ever been made
20. kiss every man and woman I’ve ever found attractive
21. visit every country in the world
22. visit every town, city, hamlet and village in the UK
23. swim in every beautiful ocean and lake in the world
24. climb Everest
25. learn how to levitate
26. solve all the major issues in the world
27. jump through a window breaking the glass
28. climb a tree
29. pose naked
30. solve the nature/nurture debate

There you go … the first 30 .. only another 71 to go …

22
Jan
09

sometimes I get easily confused …

and I read too much into what people say or do.

I usually end up twisting myself into little knots worrying about what I’ve said, or what I’ve done, or what I haven’t said or what I haven’t done.  There are people in my life that I care too much about; and I care too much about what they think.

I don’t ever really want to get too personal here – but that’s it.  I care too freakin’ much.

I need to get well – I really do.  I’m so bored of being sick.
My first attempt at an ‘Art Journal’ – see my page here on Teesha Moore for one of my influences!

One Thing At a Time

Brian sent me links to the Dresden Dolls show at the Inaugeration – unfortunately they’ve all been removed by the looks of things, ooooh no they haven’t, they’re there again – HOORAH! {

Cover of War Pigs – FUCKING LOVE IT:

Good Day – OH YES 🙂

Cover of Blueprint – by Fugazi – such an awesome track – LOVE THIS:

Ahhhh … makes me smile 🙂

Only a couple of weeks to go until Amanda Palmer plays at the Electric Ballroom – wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee … and then a few more months until World/Inferno hopefully come back to the UK … fingers crossed.

I need to find another couple of bands to salivate over! ha ha.

22
Jan
09

Things you should do/ see/ read/ watch/ visit … before you fall off this mortal coil

In yesterday’s Guardian they had a supplement entitled 1000 novels Everyone Must Read – Volume 5 – State of the Nation.  I didn’t know that they’d been doing this  – I usually buy The Independent.  It got me thinking about all these compilation books that have been coming out, TELLING us what we should do before we die.  It actually drives me a bit mad.

WHY do these people think that they can tell me what I SHOULD do before I die?  If I took all this time out, to visit the cities, natural wonders, listen to the albums, see this art work, read these books, watch these movies – all before I die – when am I going to get time to actually LIVE?

However, it didn’t stop me going through this list in the Guardian – out of the 200 (approx?) books listed I’d read 13.  I didn’t think that was too bad.  Especially as I hadn’t heard of a lot of them.  I do actually have about another 10 of them on my shelves, but they’ll probably end up in the bag to the charity shop when I swap my book shelves for crafting shelves!

Yes, I’m getting rid of books.

It’s a hard decision, afterall, there are still approximately 13 boxes of books still in the loft that haven’t seen the light of day since we moved in 6 years ago.  I just don’t have the room for them.  I LOVE books quite obsessively, I could spend HOURS in bookshops – especially second-hand ones (although the smell can bring on my asthma!!!).  Unfortunately space demands that I give up most of my collection.  I can always get them again when I move into that mansion with a library in the future!

Talking about books – I’m going to carry on reading Carter Beats The Devil – I’m loving it even more the second time around.

21
Jan
09

blatherings on a Wednesday morning

So I’m not actually feeling ANY better – my throat still feels as though it has a bucket of razor blades thrown down it, my chest hurts and I feel like CRAP.  But let’s forget all that.

Yesterday I had over 500 visitors to my blog – OVER 500!!!! But none of them really stayed and had a look around.  I guess I’m just a boring tart.  Alphainventions.com is surely working, and I’m making sure that I read some peoples’ blogs that I read on it, however it’s just so godamned fast!  I kept clicking on the actual previews of the blogs and losing them – so now I know to click on the name to take me to them.  I LOVE random blog searching.

So what did I do yesterday?  Well, I started my 52Q mini-journal. I tried to photograph it using my phone – but I can’t work it out.  So I’ll have to photograph it properly and then post the photos in a bit.  I was fairly happy with it – I’m not very good at this perky scrapbooking lark.  We’ll see – most things I start I don’t follow through with.

I also created my ‘bird atcs’ for Mamma’s Monday Musings – again – still to post them.

When M got in from work I was watching the Inauguration – I thought he’d want to watch it but he just kept complaining about how long Obama talked for!  I thought it was an amazing moment – if only we had a leader who was that inspiring.

So Inspiring

So Inspiring

I remember when we voted Tony Blair into power so many years ago.  We had lived under ‘Tory Rule’ for so long that the change was so desperately needed.  We hailed him as a ‘saviour’ almost – then looked what happened.  It’s dangerous to deify a leader – afterall – something must be intrinsically ‘wrong’ with someone who wants to lead a country.  Can we truly believe that it’s for altruistic purposes? That they just want to see a ‘better world’? I’m sorry – I can’t.  Perhaps I’m cynical – perhaps I don’t trust human nature – but I simply cannot believe that someone who wants to run the world’s biggest super-power is not slightly meglomaniacal.

However – I think out of everyone he was the best man for the job.  I love to hear him talk, I love to watch him speak.  He feels genuine and I hope beyond hope that he is the one to change America.  I’m not American, but I realise how much of an influence that country has on ours and the rest of the world.

I wish I could have been in Washington for the Inauguration so I could have experienced a moment like that.  Also, obviously, so I could have attended this:

Rock the Vote - Inaugeration Party

Rock the Vote - Inaugeration Party

Brian was SO excited – he told me he’d bought his costume to wear.  I think it was so awesome that The Dresden Dolls got together again to play this – I doubt they’ll ever truly ‘part’.  I can’t wait to hear his stories of the day! Actually – it’s only 6:36am here – so I bet they’re still partying right now (don’t you DARE use ‘party’ as a verb in this shop – hee hee – just a quick quote from Black Books there).




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