My scanner is broken. My trial with Adobe Professional 9.0 is over, and I’m finding myself at a lull. My big D is hassling me. Poking away at the back of my mind. Reminding me that it’s still there. The meds may keep it at bay but they don’t keep it away permenantly. It’s always there and sometimes I can ignore the fact – other times I have to acknowledge its prescence and allow it to take hold for a few days.
I’m now finishing my fourth week of unemployment. I’m bored of my own company (be aware – boredom is not a word usually familiar to me) but I don’t want to see anyone else. Tonight I was meant to go to a leaving do for someone I used to work with many years ago. I don’t feel particularly perksome and I really don’t want to spend the time explaining why I left teaching and what I’m (not) doing now.
I want to wallow at the moment which is dangerous. If I start to wallow then I fall deeper and deeper into my depression. However I feel it’s somewhat inevitable and sometimes it’s almost pleasurable. Don’t get me wrong, I despise my depression, however I do acknowledge that my condition is a part of me, and perhaps I need these times to see how positive the rest of my life is.
I’m missing people tremendously. I’m not going to start naming names but some people have really upset me recently. I’m unsure what I’ve done to mean that they consistently ignore me – but they do – and it hurts. Especially when I asked them why and they say it’s not personal – they’re just really busy. But then you see (ah the joys of modern living) their constant twittering and facebooking and it is just YOU who is being ignored.
Anyway – that’s all for now – this is getting too personal again.
