the rain is smashing against my window-panes.  the broken blinds are flying, betraying cracks and flaws in the windows.  outside my classroom children scream, and run and cause noise that reverberates around me.  however, as I write, the rain calms down, the students are herded into their classrooms and peace is starting to resume.

my new classroom feels hidden.  no panel on my door for people to peer through, no handle for people to enter.  i’m locked away.

it feels cold and lonely and i can’t seem to motivate myself to start sorting the room out.  boxes surround me, paper everywhere, and all i want to do is sit and finally write. at last i’m starting to find a voice.  one that’s been so quiet for so many months.  i want to speak, i want to talk about what’s happening, i want people to know what’s going on in my life.  but i know i can’t.  i know i can only hint, or suggest, because however much you protect, the internet is a large and looming place, where your words and thoughts can be misused and abused.  i’ve also opened up to people, and felt that perhaps i shouldn’t have.  perhaps they wanted to help, and i told them too much.  or perhaps, they feel that they can’t help unless i help myself.  i think perhaps i’m beyond helping myself.  i feel everything slowly slipping away from me.  all that i’ve worked so hard to keep, i’ve destroyed, or am in the process of destroying.

i’ve always had a destructive streak, a part of me that won’t allow myself to be truly happy.  a part of myself that won’t allow things to work out.  i guess that’s why i do the things i do; why i behave the way i do.

i just want to run away.  i’ve never wanted it so much as i do now.  it’s the coward in me.  i just want to run away and leave all of this behind.  i’ve been in this situation once before, and my body made the decision for me.  it shut down, it stopped working and i nearly died.  i was offered a life-line then – and i took it.  regardless of whether that black tunnel truly existed or was just a figment of my imagination, i walked back through it and fought to live.  after then things looked up. my life was back on track.  but i slowly chipped away at it.  i started picking at the scabs, revealing the wounds and making them deeper.

when i saw the counsellor, he said that i was ‘very self-aware’.  i think this is my failing.  perhaps i’m too self-aware.  i’m too aware of my own failings and am very keen to show them up.  yesterday with my tutor group i was getting them to think about their strengths for their progress file statements.  i told them about being confident in yourself and becoming self-aware.  they asked me what my strengths were.  i told them ‘I can talk loudly’.  that was all i could think of.  and i’m not fishing here, i know there are other things i’m good at, but i can counter-act them with my flaws and weaknesses.

as you can tell, i’m being quite pathetic today.  it’s not a good feeling.

so, to do a ‘counsellor thang’ … here are the good things that have happened to me today:

- my ex-year 9 students came running up the stairs to hug me

- i told a student that he was 3 marks off a level 7 and that i was going to send his paper in for re-marking

- i saw a pair of boots i really want to buy and they’re not too expensive

- i’ve only had to teach one class today

- i got a lift in this morning and i’m getting a lift into work tomorrow

- someone asked me how i was, and when i said ‘you don’t want to know’ he said ‘i wouldn’t have asked if i didn’t want to know’

see, the world’s not such a bad place afterall